Monday, 26 April 2010

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

It is a well known fact in the British Army, that every pub in the United Kingdom has a former member of the Special Air Service drinking there as a regular.

They are easy to spot to the well trained eye. They will have a bushy moustache, a faraway look in the eye and if you ply them with free drinks all night - they'll regale you with tales of derring-do during their time spent with 'The Regiment'.

Trouble is - they're bullshitters.

Unbeknownst to most civilians there are a group of people fondly referred to by the Forces as 'Walts'. Like that fabled character Walter Mitty they dream up tales of heroic past lives where they 'Stormed MG nests' at Goose Green. 'Were the second man on the balcony' at the Iranian Embassy siege and 'Parachuted into the Afghan'

Bullshitting about what one has done in the service of the Crown is a rite of passage for soldiers. Especially if it gains one a free drink off a gullible civvy or a leg-over from a cute Doris. However... Behind these tales must lie an element of truth (unless of course it is the 'Dolphin Trainer' scam)

I've met a few. Serving and Ex-Squaddies are the nemesis of the Walt. You can see the terror in their eyes as they mention a specific campaign and one casually says to them 'You were in the Gulf War - Fuck me mate, so was I! What unit?'

The most curious of all Walts are those who have served - In many cases with distinction - Who then conspire to decieve those around them. The BNP has just found itself a Walt. Adam Walker was spotted out campaigning with Nick Griffin.

Now Adam has been a soldier. But he ain't no more. What he should have done is wear his medals on a Blazer with pride. Nothing further would have been said. We would have moved along.

Alas - Adam wished to dupe the Public and his protests of 'Wearing the Uniform to show solidarity' don't wash. He is a Walt, a Throbber and a Gimp. Show him no pity and pour scorn upon his daftness at appearing in Desert Combats whilst not serving.

Then pour me a pint and I'll tell you about the day I took out the Republican Guard with a tin of bacon burgers, a mess-tin and well thumbed copy of Razzle...


  1. We've got one. He was barred eventually for being obnoxious to the barmaids.

    They called him Andy McNab. Marine.


  2. I met a chap who was telling tales of bravery in the Falklands. Asked him what Regiment

    His answer - The Royal Infantry

    Oh dear.

  3. Wanker!

    I took on the Argies (all of them) with just one roll of comfy-bum.

    I was done by NAAFI break.


  4. You wouldn't have managed without the thought of your NAAFI break urging you on though CR!