Monday, 12 April 2010

The Angry Policeman

What an interesting weekend CSR has had to be sure. My normal routine of laying in my bed on Saturday morning, attempting to recollect the evening before whilst simultaneously swearing to 'never again' move onto the Tequilas was shattered by a visit from PC Plod.

Stood at the door were what at first glance appeared to be two Tie-Fighter pilots. Clad in combat boots, body armour and more radios than was really necessary were in fact two officers of the law.

It turns out my Nephew has alledgedly been caught in posession of a (very) large amount of Cocaine. The trouble is... ...said Nephew rents out my flat. So my name was dragged into the plot.

I'm a polite fellow - even when hungover. So I offered the boys-in-blue a cup of tea and when they declined busied myself making one for me. This seemed to annoy the younger of the two (I'd say he was pushing 14 perhaps even 15 years old)

'This is very important sir' He quipped.

I informed him I was sure it was, however in my home I have my routine in the morning. It involves tea and cigarettes - lots of cigarettes.

We sat down in the lounge, I then took a good mouthful of hot tea before lighting the best cigarette of the day. It was at this point Plod the younger really threw his teddy out of his pram.

'Do you mind sir?' He asked as he waved his hand furiously about his face.

'Do I mind what?' I replied whilst blowing some very impressive blue rings across the room.

'The cigarette sir' replied the now very irritated Policeman.

'Oh. Please forgive my manners' I said offering the pack toward him. 'Would you like one'

I'm fairly confident that PC TeenyBopper would have nicked me there and then for a breach of whatever, had his older, wiser and more likeable colleague not intervened.

I was then questioned in order to 'eliminate me from their enquiries' Having done absolutely nothing wrong, I was of course extremely concerned at this point. So I tweeted.

It was a simple tweet. Informing my 5 followers the Polizei were here. PC Notyetshaving erupted at this point.

'Do you realise' He spluttered. 'How serious this situation is' His youthful eyes bulging through the blue haze only 10 chain-smoked Camel cigarettes can produce.

I smiled and pointed to a picture above the mantelpiece. Peering out from the grainy image is a young soldier in the middle of a war. He has that faraway look in his eyes. Eyes that have seen far too much killing than is good for a 19 year old. His helmet looks too big as it sits atop his head at a slighty cocked angle giving him a childlike appearence. He appears desperately tired and if you look closely enough, you can see he is trying but failing to hide his fear.

'See that' I said 'Thats me in a serious situation - now either nick me or fuck off'

For one brief delicious moment, I believe PC Growup was actually about to slap on the cuffs and haul me off for failing to be intimidated by a bullying twat. But the veteran Copper intervened.

'Thank you for your time sir - we'll be in touch'

I'm sure they will too. So I've ordered some Cuban Cigars...


  1. "See that' I said 'Thats me in a serious situation - now either nick me or fuck off"

    Oh man, that is pure class. BTW I nearly spat my coffee over my keyboard

  2. Oh, and did PC babyface do one of those cute little righteous fake coughs as well?

  3. He did indeed MWMC.. Had he been alone - I am convinced I would have been spending the afternoon in a cel, instead of in the pub.