Dear Virgin

Thanks awfully for your 'Hows my service been survey.. Please find attached my answer.

I have been paying a tonne of cash for 'The Mother Of All Broadband' Only to have connection speeds somewhat akin to a snail who has a sick note of his Mum as he is a bit wheezy and not quite up to it today..

How ironic that I myself fought in Operation Granby during the Gulf War in 1991 where Saddam Hussein declared it would be 'The Mother of All Battles...' Much like your claim it was in fact a damp squib, with lots of hanging around, endless frustration and lots of questions asking myself why oh why did I fucking choose this.

Kudos to Saddam though, at least in his 'Mother Of All Shenanigans' I got to lob loads of grenades, fire shit loads of tracer and drive a hoofing big Tank really fucking fast. I also got a rather nice suntan and a free beer token of The Sun.

Also please keep up the endless calls asking me if I want to swap to your television service. When I say no thanks I have Sky, you are of course right in thinking I mean 'Please Dwayne at Customer care I am indecisive and actually need another 33 calls of you'

I'm actually not that surprised you are still a Virgin.. As I myself like to be kissed before I get fucked. Have a nice day and all my love to Dwayne...