Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Elf & Safety Vs Dignity in Death

When you shuffle off this mortal coil and are popped into a box for the big sleep you'd be forgiven for thinking you were beyond the tentacles of Health & Safety.

You would in fact be wrong.

181 Gravestones have been laid flat at St James’ Church in Christleton, near Chester. You see they have failed a 'Health & Safety' check.

Of course when questioned about this distasteful, unpleasant deed Keith Smalls, a church warden, said:

“The checks have become necessary after a young boy was killed elsewhere in the country by a falling head stone.”
Thank you for clearing things up Keith, it's for the cheeldren is it? You fucking spineless tedious cretin. The real reason is yours and others lack of balls in telling the Health & Safety officials to do one and leave the dead in peace.


  1. We have so much Elfin Safety here that it is actually impossible to hurt yourself, unless you are a stupid cunt who manages to walk into a sign saying "Caution" and bang your head. Which someone has done. I would describe this person as "ESN", but I don't think I'm allowed to anymore. Perhaps "Special Bus" would be better.

    Summarily, our two loyal night cleaners, with us for fifteen years, have been "dismissed" in case they hurt themselves whilst washing up cups unsupervised in the canteen, perish the thought.

    As one could imagine, I for one am seriously jacked off about this.

    No, I couldn't make it up.

    No, I haven't decided what to do about it. I don't know. But I will think of something, soon.

  2. I attended an elfin safety seminar recently. The chap taking stated 'I believe in a World where no accidents will occur'

    He stepped backward to allow his statement it's full impact and fell over his chair.

    I laughed like a drain over that one.

  3. Surprising they didn't just put a sign outside saying that a churchyard isn't a playground, but that would be too easy.

    Did you see about the churchyard that was levelled by bulldozers?

    the wv = pulpits